It’s been over a year since I have written here! I promise never to go this long without blogging again. But, we need to talk. We need to talk about Connar Joy Calligraphy and what’s going on.
“Are you still doing your calligraphy?” “Will you ever do calligraphy again?” “Are you ever gonna get back to your business?”
I’m going to be completely raw and vulnerable with you regarding Connar Joy Calligraphy, whether that seems unprofessional or not. While displaying strengths may be impressive, connection comes through sharing weaknesses. As a follower of Christ, I believe in being transparent about my weaknesses, so I will be telling the whole truth about the break from my business. Also, this is my business, so I can write about whatever I want. Like, nobody can stop me tomorrow if I feel like blogging a deep dive into Jon & Kate Plus 8 and where are they now?! What are they doing? Can you believe the twins are in college?
About two years ago, I decided to take a little break from Connar Joy Calligraphy. I had worked myself nearly to death. I ignored all warning signs. I glorified the hustle of being the best calligrapher I could be. After I was diagnosed with a panic disorder (see previous blogs), I still worked. I took a six week night class on business. I attended a two-day workshop with a group of strangers 6.5 hours away from home. I designed, produced and launched an online shop just in time for Christmas. Shoot, I was going HARD all while having multiple panic attacks a day. It made me hate it. Calligraphy turned from something that brought me immense joy to something I could not even with. I knew I needed a break, so I decided to take the first few months of 2018 away from all things CJC. Those few months turned into another couple months, and then another, and now here we are… two whole years later.
The hurts:
I felt inadequate. Never good enough. Comparison was absolutely killing me. But, I also felt cocky. I knew I was great at it and I would get angry when a client chose someone who was less skilled over me. I took every non-compliment or non-sale or non-like on social media as a personal attack on me. To me, my work was worth more than my self. I felt overwhelmed. I felt awful. I felt anxious. I felt stupid—my creative brain doesn’t want to do shipping and taxes and logistics. I don’t want to keep track of spreadsheets and expense reports and business docs. I felt less-than. I felt cheated. The list goes on and on. The hurt was constant. I remember staying up all night long multiple nights a week, just laying there, thinking of all the things I wished I could do with my business, but didn’t have the money or resources or influence to do. I would lay awake all night in anxiety thinking solely about Connar Joy Calligraphy.
I don’t like to address stress, but I remember a few times when my physical body was reacting before I could even stop to notice just how stressed I was. I remember pulling chunks of my hair literally out of my head a few times while trying to figure out how to calculate shipping. I remember one night, I slammed the nib of my pen down so hard, I accidentally stabbed my finger, blood everywhere. I remember looking in the mirror during a break from working on wedding place cards and seeing my eyes red and swollen and my cheeks blackened from mascara tears. The neck and back cramps were no joke and I still live that carpel tunnel life.
The losses
I lost my sense of confidence in it somewhere in the middle. What started out so strong and magical, ended so weak and miserable. I lost money because of pricing so low and doing so many things for free because I felt guilty for charging. I “lost” my business because I had to. I had to give it up for a while to restore my own health. To restore my relationship with the Lord, with my family and friends, and to begin a process of self-awareness, love and healing.
The betrayals:
I felt betrayed by this talent that the Lord placed in my life from a very young age. How could something gifted from God be used as one of the main tools to cause me to hurt so deeply?
It makes me sad to think about where I could be right now if I would’ve kept at it. All of the dreams and plans I had for my business to be accomplished by 2019, I threw in the trash. But, you know what? I am so glad I did.
Thanks for letting me tell you about the hurts, losses and betrayals that have come along with Connar Joy Calligraphy. I know those words were full of negativity and that’s not easy to read. But, in order to bring back a piece of what was, I have to heal.
I needed to write about it before I physically use my hands to write again…to letter.
I wrote this blog on October 3, 2019, before Selena Gomez came out with a song that honestly sums it all up — “I needed to lose you to find me. This dance, it was killing me softly. I needed to hate you to love me. I needed to lose you to love me.”
Now, because this business is rooted in JOY, let’s look to the positive!
I needed to heal from a business that I felt like contributed to a lot of brokenness in me. Last time I was running CJC, I was a different person. A person I look back at with so much grief. That girl was struggling in more ways than I can count. My eyes can’t help but tear up when I think about her. I wish I could lift her head up and speak truth into her. I wish I could tell her that her worth is not in her work or how beautiful she can write an address. Her worth is found in Christ alone. I would tell her she is a co-heir with Christ and is called for SO MUCH MORE than living her life by hustling for a business, for approval. She would be so proud of where she has come now.
You know what is so great about the God I serve?! He restores. He heals. And He REDEEMS hurt, weakness and brokenness for GLORY and for freedom! He restores unto us the joy of our salvation. We are undeserving, yet He loves us so much that He wants us to live this abundant life full of grace and peace and joy.
He wants us to use our gifts for His glory. My mission has always been to create beautiful things that inspire others to look to their Creator. And that’s what I’m going back to! It’s time to bring back the joy and the fun and all the stuff I innately carry inside of me.
Thank you for your patience. And stay tuned for what’s next for this little place on the internet! It’s different, yet similar—and it’s coming in January 2020! Aayyyyyy.
